


Some Mistakes Aren't Wrong

by OnyxSardonyx



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/F, Femslash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-08
Updated: 2013-01-07
Packaged: 2017-11-18 05:51:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 22,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/557591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnyxSardonyx/pseuds/OnyxSardonyx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Narcissa Black is about to be married to a man she doesn't love. While reflecting on her years at Hogwarts, she tries to decide what to do...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 11

 I remember sitting with Bella on the Hogwarts Express because Andromeda had gone off with some of her Ravenclaw friends and I didn't know anyone else. Bella had some of her friends too, from Slytherin, and she introduced me as “my little sister who will hopefully not be such a disappointment”. I felt pressured right away and spent most of the journey pressed against the window, barely speaking, just occasionally smiling and nodding whenever Bella said something nasty about people I wasn't supposed to like.

Her friends weren't all that horrible. I think it was the Carrows (Alecto was going to be in my year), Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape. Apart from Alecto, everyone was older than me. Bella and Lucius were in fourth year and Severus and Amycus in their third year. I remember that Severus was nice to me. He was probably the only one who could easily see behind the mask I had even when I was eleven. He was the only one who realised how frightened I was (well, Bella probably knew too, but in her eyes, this just made me weak; she proceeded to ignore me for most of the journey). Severus smiled at me and offered me a chocolate frog and I trusted him. Which says a lot because I usually don't trust people. Even when I was that small I didn't trust people, I'd seen too many others being tortured and abused by my own parents and sometimes Bella as well. And if you're only eleven years old and you don't trust your parents, who can you trust?

I think I was scared shitless by the prospect of the Sorting, because I knew very well what had happened to Andromeda. She'd done nothing wrong except being Sorted into a different house than Slytherin and in the Christmas holidays my parents punished her for it. I remember she could hardly walk for a week after and spent almost all holidays locked in her room, crying.

I only went to her once to comfort her. I was six and I didn't think she'd done anything wrong and I hated to see her cry and Andromeda was probably the only person in the world that I really loved so I went to her. I managed to make her smile for a minute before my parents found me. I was beaten, too, after that. _She doesn't deserve your love, Cissy_ , Bella had explained. _She's as good as a blood traitor and you know how our kind views those people._

Even now, years after that happened, I'm still astounded that Bella could say things like that when she was just nine, but I suppose it's just in her blood. Andromeda was never like that.

So the Sorting. Yes, I was determined to get into Slytherin, but not because I thought it was the best house for me. I was simply scared. And scared by the fact that I was scared because cowards and weaklings all go to Hufflepuff and Slytherins are strong and know what they want.

_I know what I want_ , I thought frantically. _I want to be good at stuff and I want to convince my parents that I'm a good girl and I want to go to Slytherin because that will make me a good girl._ I wasn't very bright when I was eleven. I was just a kid playing by my parents' rules because I knew nothing else and because I was scared.

I was a wreck by the time we arrived in Hogsmeade and then it was just me and Alecto as Bella and Sev and the others went the other way.

“Don't worry, Narcissa, it will be fine”, Alecto told me. I could tell that she wasn't worried about me at all, and that she was just babbling to keep herself calm and that she didn't realise what state of mind I was in. I've got to say this for Alecto, she wasn't cruel when she was a kid. At eleven, she was just a little pudgy with huge dark brown eyes and the air of a child who gets everything she wants. Later, when we were older, I learned... but that's another story.

We were herded into the Great Hall by Minerva McGonagall, deputy headmistress and head of Gryffindor, who was younger then but already looked strict and rarely smiled. Then the Sorting began... I was one of the first to be called forward.

I don't remember clearly what the Sorting Hat told me. But I remember very well that the word 'Gryffindor' was mentioned, which scared me out of my mind - that was the house where almost all blood traitors came from and Bella would hate me forever and by the way I wasn't brave at all, and the Sorting Hat seemed to agree with me, it laughed at my panic and sent me to Slytherin.

I sat down between Bella and our cousin Regulus who was in second year. Regulus was like us because his brother was in Gryffindor and in a way even worse than Andromeda. I saw her sitting among the Ravenclaws and caught her eye for a second. She smiled at me and I knew she was thinking of her own Sorting five years ago and she was happy for me and I was just relieved.

Alecto was Sorted into Slytherin as well and after that, I didn't pay attention to the Sorting anymore. I was suddenly quite happy and chatted with Alecto and Regulus and even got a smile from Bella, who even then didn't smile a lot, because she mostly glared at people. I didn't notice that I was starving until the food arrived and then I ate as if there was no tomorrow and we were led to the common room by the prefects and shown our bedrooms and I simply fell into bed and slept.

 

 

The next morning I was all excited and eager for lessons to start. Nothing was left of that fear I had the day before. Alecto was awake before me, she watched impatiently as I got dressed and then I raced her to the Great Hall, where we went for breakfast. I won the race, but not by much because Alecto was the closest thing I had to a friend and I didn't want to be mean right away. We got handed our timetables at breakfast and I saw we had Transfiguration first and we only had twenty minutes left and even though we had both brought our school stuff to the table with us we didn't know where to go and hurried up. But she stopped us just before we stepped out of the Great Hall.

“Go on, Alecto, I'll find it”, I said slightly nervously, because I wasn't sure if I would, but this wasn't a conversation anyone - and by that I mean anyone at all - should overhear.

“What is it?”, I asked Andromeda.

She didn't smile as she had the day before. “So you got into Slytherin”, she said.

“Yes, I did”, I answered evenly, “I had to, didn't I?”

Now my sister smiled but her smile seemed forced. “Of course.” She seemed a little distracted, probably by her memories.

She wanted to say something, but I cut across her.

“I know what you're going to say”, I said, getting quieter with every word - if Bella heard what I said, she would... I don't know but it wouldn't be pleasant. “That I shan't let the Slytherin attitude corrupt me and so forth and that I should be brave and think what I want to think, not what Bella tells me to think...”

Andromeda smiled again, this time in earnest. “You're stronger than her, Cis”, she whispered. “I know you are.” I've always hated that nickname. Dromeda was always the only person allowed to call me that, it was Cissy or Narcissa for the others, but never Cis.

“I don't know what you're saying”, I said. I was confused, Dromeda had said something about me not listening to Bella before but never that I was stronger, surely she didn't mean that? Bella was always the strong one and the loud and bossy one and she was always right. At least she thought she was.

“You have to decide for yourself what's right and wrong”, Andromeda said.

“You told me that before. But what do you mean, me being stronger than Bella?” I've always been the little one. The small girl and the youngest in the family. Andromeda was always the old and wise one, even when we were tiny, and Bella was the strong one. I was the small one and never wanted to be small. I wanted to be better than the others. Stronger than Bella. How was I stronger than Bella?

“There's more than one kind of strength, Cis”, Dromeda said. “Don't think just because she's louder that she's right. You have to listen to what your heart tells you.”

At that point I was starting to get a little annoyed with her because she just told me stuff I've heard before and I was late for my lesson. “Do you know where Transfiguration is?”, I snapped at her. Dromeda wasn't offended by my tone and pointed to a staircase on the right.

“Up those stairs, then left to the end of the corridor, up to the third floor and it's the second on the right”, she said.

I ran because I was already late and I wanted to get away from her, who was she to tell me who to listen to anyway? She was worried about me, sure, but I was responsible for myself and I was old enough to know what I wanted, anyway.

When I burst into the Transfigurations room I saw that I wasn't as late as I thought I had been, the lesson hadn't begun yet but everyone else was there. The only free chair was in the front row next to a skinny Ravenclaw girl who must have been at the Sorting but I didn't remember her at all. She smiled shyly at me and I smiled back after a moment of hesitation, after all, I was still a little angry with Andromeda.

“I'm Emmeline”, she introduced herself. She had long light brown hair and brown eyes and fair skin and an unremarkable face and she looked boring. I wasn't sure if I liked her.

“Narcissa”, I replied, throwing my long blond hair back. Where was Alecto? I thought we were going to work together! She sat behind me next to a boy who looked so small I doubted he was even eleven. She shrugged and began to scribble something on a piece of parchment, which she passed me a second later.

_I was late too, sorry!_

I shot her a look, which was something between understanding and annoyed. We had still to find out which of us got the better share. The boy next to Alecto didn't look too exciting and Emmeline certainly wasn't. Or at least that's what I thought then.

The lesson started with McGonagall passing out matches, telling us to transfigure them into needles. I opened my book, I was sure there was something on this in there and noticed that Emmeline had already started, getting her wand out and muttering stuff at the match.

This just made me want to beat her, so I found the relevant section in the book, skimmed it - I had read it before but didn't remember it that well - and then finally started working on my match as well.

It was clear that Emmeline was better. Which to eleven year old me was a quite heavy blow. I wasn't used to being worse than anyone. Of course Bella and Andromeda could do more stuff than me but they were older. I was a Black, a daughter of one of the oldest pure-blood families there were, and Emmeline was probably half-blood or something. It was despicable that she was better than me, because I always want to be best at everything... I resolved to prepare better so I could get at least as good as Emmeline and didn't speak to her again in that lesson, even when she tried to help me.

 

 

It was that envy that kept me from talking to Emmeline for another two months and I could tell that it upset her. We were paired up for both Transfiguration and Charms, and despite my best efforts, she was always better than me, and I watched as she sent objects flying through the classroom and turned hairpins into flowers. She always tried to get me to talk, and never stopped. Asking what she'd done wrong. Asking others whether I was just generally a mean person.

So one day I came in and she was already there and looked at me and said, “Are you going to talk to me today, Narcissa?”

And I think it was the first time she said my name and I remember it so clearly because for the first time, she looked angry. She was never angry before, just mildly annoyed or sad and she never said my name before.

I just walked to my seat and didn't look at her and got out my things for Transfiguration but all the time was debating with myself whether I was maybe going to talk to her after all. So McGonagall passed out buttons and told us that if we managed to turn them into sweets we could keep them and eat them. I've never had much of a sweet tooth but thought it was nice and began to practice on my own again, as always until I noticed that Emmeline wasn't even trying. And I looked at her fully for the first time in weeks and noticed that she was crying and before I could do anything she got up forcefully and excused herself and left the room, and I was just staring at the chair where she'd sat seconds ago and completely forgot about my button and just thought, oh shit, I made her cry.

And that's what broke my resolve, seeing her cry because of me and I realised that I'd never wanted to hurt her and that it was unbelievanly silly and childish of me to not talk to her just because she was better and hell, she was supposed to be better, after all she was in Ravenclaw, wasn't she?

I couldn't concentrate anymore and by the end of the lesson my button hadn't even changed colour but I had a plan.

So as soon as the bell rang I jumped up and sped out of the classroom, ignoring McGonagall's calls behind me, and I ran to the Ravenclaw common room first which asked me an incredibly stupid question (“Why is there no I in team?”) so I couldn't get in and I turned around and looked in all the toilets on the way from the Ravenclaw tower and the Transfiguration classroom and eventually I found her, she was sitting on a window sill behind a statue and she was still crying.

“Emmeline”, I said. It was probably only the second word I ever said to her and I looked at her, worried. “I'm sorry, I didn't want to -” I hesitated just for a moment, because what exactly was I apologising for? I had chosen to ignore her, after all.

“I didn't mean to make you cry. It was stupid to ignore you. I'm sorry”, I said.

She frowned at me, and I remember thinking that it looked cute. But I didn't show that. Instead I just looked at her and looked worried and waited for her to answer.

She stifled a sob and looked down. “It's not all your fault”, she said eventually and she spoke so quietly that I hardly understood what she was saying.

I was dumbfolded. “Why not?”, I demanded. It was my fault, after all, how could it not be?

“I got an owl this morning”, she said quietly, reluctantly. “Two weeks ago our cat ran away and they found him yesterday, he was run over by a car. He's dead.” She started to sob again.

“Oh”, was all I could manage. When I got my Hogwarts letter, my parents bought me a snow white cat with red eyes and a single black dot at the end of her tail, and I named her Cassie. We also had owls. But the pets were never really important to me. Cassie kept me company and the owls were for getting letters to other people. But I never loved them the way Emmeline must have loved her cat.

“And then my favourite seat in the common room was taken and there was porridge for breakfast, and I hate porridge”, she said with a small laugh, then buried her face in her hands and sniffed.

I started to like her a lot more because I hate porridge too and gingerly put a hand on her arm.

“I'm sorry about your cat”, I said feebly because I felt I had to and because I wanted her to stop crying.

“And then”, she added, still sobbing, “then you c-come in and d-don't talk and I just - I just think you don't l-like me -”

“I do”, I said, a little helplessly. And was once again caught by surprise as she looked up and glared at me.

“Then why didn't you talk to me?”, she snapped. I'd never heard her snap before and I'm pretty sure it was a really, really long time until I heard her snap again and it startled me.

“I...” I really didn't want to tell her but if I didn't she would think I didn't like her and I did. For now.

“I was envious because you're better than me”, I admitted finally and squirmingly and hoped she would laugh but she didn't.

“And now you're not?” She sounded sceptical.

“I didn't want to make you cry”, I said honestly. “And even if I am envious that's no reason to hurt you.”

I spoke very quietly because nobody but Emmeline should hear me. Sympathy was not something my sister Bella liked and if she knew what I just said... but Emmeline smiled and suddenly it didn't seem to matter what Bella thought because Emmeline wasn't angry with me anymore and I had managed to correct the mistake I made. I smiled back.

“Can you forgive me?”, I asked.

“I never thought I'd hear something like that from a Slytherin”, Emmeline answered. She still smiled. “It just made my day a whole lot better...”

And it made mine a lot better, too.

 

 

So after that we were kind of friends, even though Alecto was still sort of my best friend. I went everywhere with Alecto and we shared a dormitory and we had all classes together, but when I was in Transfiguration and Charms, Emmeline was my friend too and she helped me and I actually got a lot better with her help and I discovered that she was really nice and had a sense of humour and wasn't at all boastful about what she could do. We met a few times in first year to do homework together and study for the exams because I was still struggling. From second year she played chaser for Ravenclaw and whenever they weren't playing Slytherin I would cheer for Ravenclaw. In third year we both chose Care of Magical Creatures and Ancient Runes and she chose Divination as well. I was a little more grown-up by that point and considered taking Muggle Studies just to piss Bella off but decided against it. I went out on the first Hogsmeade weekend with Alecto and was quite surprised when Emmeline asked me to join her on the second weekend, but we spent the day together and it was really nice and I was completely oblivious to the fact that she might regard me as something more-than-just-friends.


	2. 17

 That's more than four years ago now. I suppose I'm grown up now. A few weeks from now, I'll have my NEWT exams and will officially be done with school. Not that I will actually do anything with my education. At least not if my family has anything to do with it.

Personally, I would love to be a healer. Or do something with animals and magic beasts, I was always good in Care of Magical Creatures. But I'm a pureblood woman and I'm supposed to get married right after school and raise children and stay at home and cook for my family every day.

I'm rubbish at cooking. I haven't told Lucius yet. That's another thing to add to my list of Things I Should Probably Tell My Future Husband.

The wedding's in June. Two days after I come home from school. Two days to grow from a schoolgirl to a housewife. Two days to leave everything behind me.

Two days to become a completely different person from the one I am now.

Or, at least, make Lucius believe I am. Lucius, his parents, my parents, and Bella.

I wish I could talk to Andromeda because I'm sure she would understand. She certainly wouldn't call me a blood traitor and shame to the honourable house of Black etc. etc. if I told her I really, really don't want to marry Lucius.

He's nice enough. He can be an arrogant git sometimes but I could've had it worse. A lot worse. He's pureblood, he's rich, he's talented, he's handsome. And he treats me like a princess.

But it's an arranged marriage, as are most pureblood marriages. I've known since I was twelve, when I came home for the Christmas holidays and my parents invited the Malfoy family over and introduced Lucius, who I already knew, as my future husband. At the time, I was fine with it. I was young and thought I would adjust somehow. I had known this would happen. I had seen it happen with Andromeda and Bella before.

Bella is already married to Rodolphus Lestrange.

Andromeda is already married, but not to Ewan Rosier as my parents had planned. No, Andromeda ran away as soon as she finished school and I haven't seen her since. She's married now and I only knew because she sent me an owl. She married Ted Tonks, who was in Hufflepuff, who is Muggle-born.

Unfortunately Bella read the letter, so the whole family knows. Andromeda is no longer my sister. She's now officially a blood traitor and I will probably never see her again.

I miss her.

Another one to add to my list of People I Love But Have To Give Up.

That's just two people. But it's the only two people who ever really meant something to me.

I don't mind muggle-borns. Emmy's dad is muggle-born and I met him last summer, he's really nice and talented and has the same sense of humour as Emmy. I've never talked to Ted Tonks, but I trust Andromeda. If she fell in love with him, he must be a decent person. Personally, I would like to meet him, and their child. I got the owl in the middle of the night three years ago, saying that they had a daughter. She's called Nymphadora (leave it to Dromeda to come up with the weirdest name on earth). That was the last time I ever had contact with my sister.

I don't feel grown up. I feel barely older than when I first came into the Great Hall and the Sorting Hat slipped over my ears. I can pretend I'm grown up, I can pretend I'm that lovely pureblood girl who's all excited about getting married. I can pretend to be cold and hate muggle-borns because if I didn't, I'd be next in line. They're already hunting Dromeda and her family.

Things have changed. I've heard rumours of a Dark Lord, whose name many were afraid to say. The only person I've ever heard saying his name is our headmaster, Albus Dumbledore.

Voldemort goes by You-Know-Who, He Who Must Not Be Named, or the Dark Lord, whichever you want to call him. I call him the Dark Lord, because Slytherins do. Slytherins generally sympathise with Voldemort's agenda.

I don't.

But I don't show it. Bella is already his, as is Lucius and many others. Even my cousin Regulus joined them. They call themselves Death Eaters, which is an incredibly silly name.

I will be expected to join them, sooner or later.

Later, if I can help it. But once I'm married to Lucius, I will hardly have a choice.


	3. 14

 When I came back to Hogwarts for my fourth year, a lot of strange things happened.

First of all, Alecto was never around anymore. After three years of being best friends, this was probably the most noticeable change of all. She still came to lessons and to meals, but I hardly saw her apart from that, and it took me a shamefully long time to find out why.

She had a boyfriend.

Then I noticed that the other girls in our year were behaving strangely as well. The boys, too. Everyone seemed to be infected by this weird disease called love. And everywhere I looked, I seemed to see lovey dovey happy couples, snogging wildly in the corridors, holding hands, talking to each other in sweet and incredibly stupid voices, making up nicknames...

At that time, I had heard enough about love to last me a lifetime. My big sister was gone to marry someone she loved, which was a concept I didn't know. In my view at fourteen, you married someone who was chosen for you. Someone respectable and pureblood, and if you were lucky, someone who would treat you well. At that time I already knew I was going to marry Lucius Malfoy and when I suggested jokingly that we should go around holding hands and calling each other 'sweetheart', he looked like I had hit him over the head with a shovel.

I knew he had his fanclub of girls and probably more than one girlfriend. Good-looking as he was. Is. I never counted myself among his fanclub. I didn't regard Lucius as extraordinarily attractive.

Because this was the other thing strange about this year: everyone seemed to be affected by this strange disease called love - everyone but me.

This revelation struck me sometime in autumn and it took me a while to realise that I, indeed, wasn't the only one who slowly but gradually grew sick of her best friend running off with some guy I had never seen before. She was turning into a right slut, Alecto was, and she was only fourteen - but anyway, she's not the one I'm talking about.

The other one who wasn't affected was Emmeline.

So that year I spent more time than ever with her. I wasn't used to being lonely, but without Alecto around, the Slytherin common room felt empty. And even if she was around, she was usually in the company of some Thomas or John or Nick and I became a frequent guest to the Ravenclaw common room.

I have never admitted to anyone that I actually liked the Ravenclaw common room more than the Slytherin one. Our common room seems cold all the time, even when there's a fire burning, and it's made from stone and it's just... cold. The Ravenclaw common room always seemed warm, at least to me.

For a while, we would just sit together and do some homework or talk about something, and when the weather was good, we would take walks on the grounds. I remember one day in spring (it was unusually warm), we sat down in the shadow of a tree and talked about this love fever which seemed to have increased as spring came.

Because now, we weren't safe from it even outside. Only about ten feet from us were two people who I didn't know, lying in the grass and snogging as if there was no tomorrow.

“I mean, look at them”, Emmeline said. She'd seen them too. “That's just disgusting, don't you think?”

I nodded my agreement and, despite my disgust, continued watching the couple. They looked like sixth or seventh years, a boy with untidy black hair and glasses and a girl with long red hair. Maybe I did know the boy. Wasn't he the Gryffindor seeker?

Then they were approached - oh the horror! - by my cousin, Sirius, that insuffer... wait. I liked Sirius. Had liked him back when we still talked. Which was about ten years ago now.

Sirius was accompanied by another young man with light brown hair and scars on his face.

“Oi, James, get up, we've got better things to do than watching you snog Evans!”, Sirius laughed. He dropped into the grass next to James and continued to whisper to him. At the same time, something stirred in my memory. Evans.., Lily Evans? That girl Severus was so mad about?

He had told me about her earlier that year. I had promised not to tell anyone, so I wouldn't. But seeing Lily with another boy - a Gryffindor, even - made me feel really, really sorry for Sev. It must be so hard to see the girl you love with someone else...

Emmeline nudged me. “Look how close they're sitting.”

Who? For a second I thought she meant Lily and James, but she wasn't looking at them.

“Who?”, I asked.

“Sirius and Remus.”

Remus being, I deduced, the scarred boy. How on earth did Emmeline know his name? But she was right. They were sitting really close together. I couldn't see clearly from where we were sitting, but it looked like they might be holding hands.

That particular thought made me want to gag and I quickly shook my head. “Ew.”

Emmeline frowned for some reason, then suddenly stood up.

“Come”, she said to me. Her voice sounded strange. Colder than usual and a little thick. I glanced up to her questioningly, but when she didn't say anything else, I simply gathered my things and followed her.

Minutes later, we were close to the Forbidden Forest and there was no student in sight. We were alone. Nobody could see us. In hindsight, I suppose it should have made me uneasy, but I felt completely safe with Emmeline.

“So?”, I asked. She hadn't said another word.

Slowly, she turned and looked at me.

“Don't you think it's possible to love someone of your own gender?”

That question really came as a shock. For some reason, I hadn't expected it at all.

“Well”, I said slowly. “We were told that it's unnatural, and an abnormality. And that people like that should just be like the others and be, well, normal.”

“You were also told”, Emmeline answered coldly, “that it's an abnormality to marry muggle-borns, and yet your own sister did so just two years ago.”

“So what?”, I snapped at her.

“I'm just saying that your family's prejudices shouldn't affect your judgement! You're an independent person, Cissy, you can decide for yourself what's right and what's wrong!”

She sounded so much like Andromeda that it hurt me. I closed my eyes for a second, then turned to Emmeline and said sharply, “I don't see why this is so important all of a sudden.”

Because Emmeline had never really commented on my family's views before. I could always tell that she disapproved of Bella and her views, but she had never, like now, tried to convince me to think differently. Well, mostly because it wasn't really necessary. I usually pretended to be the good Slytherin girl when I was with Bella, Alecto and the others, but I thought differently. I had told Emmeline that I didn't mind Andromeda marrying Ted and that I wanted to see her again. I had asked her not to tell anyone. Emmeline, it seemed, was the only person where I could be myself, and I valued her very much for that.

But now, I didn't know what to think. Why was this so important to her? Faggots, that's what my mother called people like Sirius and Remus - that is, if Emmeline was correct in assuming that they were together. It was something that our family regarded as disgusting, unnatural, and wrong. I had never really thought about it until now.

“Why is it so important?”, I asked again as Emmeline hadn't answered.

She had blushed deep crimson and wasn't looking at me. I was getting a little impatient (why, why didn't I see? It is so obvious, now that I'm looking back at it) and put a hand on her shoulder.

“You can tell me, Emmy. We're friends, right?” I think it was the first time I ever consciously used that nickname for her, and it seemed to encourage her. She looked up, still blushing. It made her look really pretty, actually.

“Are you still my friend if I tell you...” She took a deep breath and fixed her gaze on the ground. “If I tell you that - that I'm like that? I... I like girls.”

I could tell that she had wanted to tell me, but not like this. Myself, I was shocked of course, but I forced myself not to run away, or show her that I was shocked, and I'm very good at maintaining masks. Emmeline knew me well enough to see I had a mask on, but I could tell that she didn't know what I felt underneath it.

Truth to be told, I was slightly disgusted, but not as much as my family would have liked me to be. Because I somehow thought that well, it was unnatural, but Emmeline was my friend. And she didn't do it to hurt anyone and I was pretty sure she wasn't going to harass me or anything. I knew her and I knew she wasn't disgusting and she hadn't changed just because she said it, she was still the same person.

“Why, though?”, I asked, a little stupidly. I couldn't think of a reason why people would decide to be gay. And as far as I knew at that time, it was something you chose. It was natural to be straight, wasn't it? After all, that was what the word said. Straight. Both the right way and the easy way, no complicated detours of fancy decisions.

Emmeline, however, looked _very_ offended by this and scowled at me.

“Do you think it's a _choice_?”

“Well”, I said carefully, knowing that I didn't want to offend her further. “It's... that's what we were told. Is - I mean, is it not?”

Emmeline now closed her eyes and I could see that she was working hard to keep calm. Eventually, she said quietly, without opening her eyes:

“Do you think someone would choose this? It makes _everything_ difficult. Having to deal with all these conflicts inside - do you know how hard it is to accept yourself when you're like this? And then you can't tell anyone because they'll hate you - you have to deal with all these prejudices - and then...” She finally opened her eyes and stared at me so intently that I took a small step backwards.

“Then you get a crush on someone”, she continued. Her voice sounded odd, as if disconnected from her emotions, and I realised it was her way of building a mask... so her voice wouldn't betray her feelings.

“And that someone will probably never be interested in you. Maybe you don't know her or maybe you're friends with her, but it's not easy either way, seeing her all the time and thinking that you want her to know you like her, and at the same time knowing she can never know - living with something like that - thinking you'll never find anyone because of what you are...”

Her voice was shaking now from the effort of suppressing her emotions, and without really knowing what I was doing, I put my arms around her. Just in a friendly way, of course. I didn't know. Oh, how naive I was.

“I'm sorry, Emmy”, I said. “I never thought about it... but you're still my friend, you're a good person, and if my family thinks you're any worse because of this, they're wrong. Just like they're wrong about Andromeda and Ted.”

I could feel her relax in my arms, and - after realising how close we were - quickly released her. I wasn't scared, but didn't want to give her any ideas... despite of everything I said and thought, her confession still made her a little of a freak to me and I just didn't really understand. I wanted to, though, she was my friend, after all, and she was the only one apart from me who didn't seem affected by the love fever.

And now it seemed I knew why.

“Is there someone, then?”, I asked without thinking.

She smiled, for the first time since she dragged me away from the lake, and it seemed the day got a lot sunnier all at once.

“You really don't want to know”, she said cheerfully.

I returned her grin and agreed, “I suppose I don't. That was enough of a shock for one day.”

Of course, I burned with curiosity and didn't see that the answer was right in front of me. I didn't see what was so incredibly obvious.

“I'll tell you one day”, Emmeline promised with a smile.

And she did.

 

 

About three months later, actually. Just as we were about to get off the Hogwarts Express for the summer holidays. We hadn't been sitting together for the journey, I'd been with Alecto and her boyfriend, Bella, Lucius and Severus, and had no idea where Emmy was. I missed her - Alecto and her boyfriend didn't really count as company at all, and Lucius and Bella were talking about their ideologies, almost completely ignoring me. The only one I was talking to was Severus and we were talking about school and carefully avoided the subject of dark magic and our families' values. I resisted the urge to go and find Emmy, because even with Severus, I felt uncomfortable, but Bella didn't approve of Emmy and after she told me of her secret, I had been keeping away from her a little.

So when the Hogwarts Express arrived in London, I got out of our compartment last and very slowly, watching through the windows as Bella and Lucius were greeted by my parents.

“Cissy!”

There she was, just behind me. I turned and smiled.

“I've only got another two minutes until they come looking for me”, I said, almost apologetic. Emmy knew that I didn't want to be seen in her company and had long accepted it.

“I just wanted to tell you”, she said quickly, quietly, blushing. “You know.”

I nodded, looking at her questioningly. “Who is it, then?”

She blushed some more. (It was blindingly obvious and I didn't see. I was so unbelievably blind.) “Well, she's... it's... well -” She hesitated, her cheeks burning, for a moment that seemed to last an eternity.

“You”, she then whispered, sounding terrified.

And I was completely startled, completely surprised. As if it hadn't been obvious. I was so blind.

“Why?”, I said stupidly. “I don't understand - I ignored you for half our first year and I'm bitchy and a coward and -”

“You were also the one who came to me and said, 'I'm sorry, it was stupid of me to hate you'”, she said, her voice sounding stronger. “And you're braver than you think, Cissy.”

She leaned forward and kissed my cheek and then ran away and I was totally dumbfounded and only got off the train when I heard my family calling for me.


	4. 15

_Dear Emmeline,_

 

_I hope you're enjoying your holidays. It's all fine here. We celebrated Bella's wedding yesterday - she's now officially a Lestrange. Rodolphus is okay, I think, he just doesn't talk to anyone. He's pureblood and shares my family's values, so my parents are happy - as if anything else was ever to be expected by Bella, really._

_I suppose this is quite a bad way to tell you that the same thing will happen to me in three years' time. I'm sure I mentioned it to you before - I'm engaged to Lucius Malfoy, I have been since I was thirteen, and so far I've been perfectly fine with it. It's the way things are in our family - even though Dromeda chose another way - but I never thought that would be a way for me._

_I know how this must seem to you, after what you told me on the train. I don't love Lucius, but I will marry him because it is the right thing to do._

_I will see you at Hogwarts._

 

_Love,_

_Narcissa_

 

 

There were some things I hadn't told Emmy in the letter.

For example, I didn't think marrying whoever your parents chose for you was 'the right thing to do'. I was scared of my parents and Bella too because I knew what would happen if I chose my own partner. Maybe it would be okay if the man in question was pureblood, but they wouldn't be pleased either way.

Or, what she'd told me had unsettled me deeply. I was beginning to see how blind I'd been not to notice it earlier.

Or, I missed her horribly. Far too much for my own good. My family's whole pureblood mania seemed so wrong to me. I was fifteen and I started to rebel against their racist ideology. I was always careful not to show it. I was still the good child and did whatever they asked, but there was something building up inside me I couldn't ignore.

I hadn't told Emmeline that the day the summer holidays began, I started dreaming about her.

 

 

The holidays were long and sad and I was glad when they were over. For the first time, I was the only one my parents brought to the Hogwarts Express. Bella wasn't even living with us anymore, and neither, of course, was Andromeda. I had the feeling I was free for the first time, now that the scrutinizing eye of my sister was gone.

I wasn't sitting with Alecto and Severus this time, because I'd been made a prefect, so I had to go there first and wasn't too surprised to see Emmeline sitting there as well. She spotted me after a few seconds and her smile when she looked at me made her whole face light up. It made my heart beat a little faster and I smiled back, sitting down next to her.

“I'm not surprised you made it prefect”, I said lightly, not showing in the presence of the other prefects exactly how thrilled I was to see her again. I suppose it was better that way, because as I looked into her eyes, all my emotions threatened to bubble over and overwhelm me, and if we had been alone, I would probably have let them. So I just squeezed her arm lightly and turned my attention to this year's head boy and girl - James Potter and Lily Evans, the same couple we'd seen snogging the year before, just before Emmy came out to me. They gave us a short overview of our duties and I thought they seemed pretty competent, especially Evans, even though she had 'Mudblood' written all over her. I knew to see past that, especially since she was the girl Severus loved, but I didn't show it; my expression stayed cold during the entire time, betraying nothing.

After that, we had to patrol the corridors of the train, and I was partnered with Emmeline because they just partnered whoever happened to be sitting next to each other, and during our duty we discovered an empty compartment and while Emmeline didn't want to talk about anything personal while we had our prefect duties, she basically pulled me into the empty compartment as soon as our shift was over.

The door slammed shut behind us, and Emmeline looked slightly crazy, her cheeks flushed and her eyes sparkling, and I felt all those emotions rising up again and I think in that moment I knew, I just knew there was something more, that I liked her a little more than just as a friend, maybe not the way she liked me but probably exactly the same way and I had no idea how to tell her, so I just crushed her with a hug and whispered, “I miss you”.

It was true. And when we finally sat down, I didn't let go of her hand and the door of our compartment was shut and there was nobody else so it all poured out of me, all those thoughts I had over the summer, about Lucius and the arranged marriage that just felt so wrong every time I thought about it, and about how I had missed her and heck, how I wasn't even sure what I felt for her but that it was more, so much more than I was supposed to and that I thought of her every day and that I didn't want to be queer and and that I understood now what she had meant about not choosing and that my family would hate me and it would never work out... I must have talked for an hour, at least it felt like ages, and Emmy just sat there, opposite me, looking at me, holding on to my hand, and even though she didn't say a single word, every one of mine seemed to upset her - she had tears in her eyes by the time I finished and for a while, we just sat in silence. It started to get dark out and Emmy got up and changed into her Hogwarts robes, she wasn't looking at me but I was sure she was crying.

“Emmy?”, I finally dared to say.

She slowly turned, her face carefully wiped blank of any emotion.

“I'm not sure what you're telling me”, she said simply.

I gave a harsh, joyless laugh. “I don't know either”, I said grimly.

I stood up, changed into my robes myself and thought about it. We were silent again. What did I want to tell her?

I cared about her. Far too much. And she cared about me as well.

“Are you in love with me?”, I asked, surprising even myself a little.

Because that was what it boiled down to. Love. Alecto loved her boyfriend. Andromeda loved Ted. And I?

I was sure I loved Andromeda. I was sure I didn't love my parents or Bella - I only feared them. Alecto was my friend, but I didn't love her. So who else did I love? The answer was obvious, and this time, I saw it immediately.

“I think I am”, Emmy said quietly, not looking at me.

In a second I was next to her, my hand closing over hers and my fingertips raising her chin and tracing her cheek and smudging the tear and stroking back a strand of hair and our faces were inches from each other and I was caught in her brown eyes, she was beautiful and I had no idea how I could ever have thought of her as plain...

“I suppose what I'm telling you”, I whispered, “is that I'm in love with you too.”

“You said it could never work”, she breathed. She was so close and I still wanted her to be closer but what she said was right... I pulled away, still holding her hand.

“I'm scared, Emmy”, I murmured, “I can't just defy them and run away like Dromeda did. I'm a Slytherin and they would hunt me down - hunt us down -”

She nodded. “I understand”, she said. Her voice was barely audible.

“But - but - we'll be friends -” I couldn't quite keep the hysteria out of my voice. “We _have_ to - Emmy, I _need_ you -”

“I don't know”, she said. “I don't know.”


	5. 18

 Tomorrow is my Transfiguration NEWT exam. After that, two weeks of free time. Two last weeks of freedom before I'm getting married.

My mother wrote yesterday to tell me the news that the preparations for the wedding are well on the way. She sent a few pictures with the letter. One of my wedding dress. One of the ostentatious hall where we're going to be married. One of Bella in her bridesmaid dress.

The wedding dress is really lovely and I'm going to look magnificent in it, but along with everything else, it makes me feel sick. Two measly weeks and I still don't know what to do.

I've still got the letter Andromeda sent me, where she told me about Nymphadora's birth and how happy she was. I still remember her PS.

_If you ever want to see me, this is where we live. If you come, make sure nobody knows you do._

She really didn't need to put that warning, but it's a good thing I've got the address and I'm pretty sure that that's what I need to do. Visit her, see how life works if you're a blood traitor. Get a bit of advice from my big sister.

The day after my Transfiguration NEWT, I'll visit her. I won't even tell Emmy I'm going. Nobody will know, and if anyone asks, I'll say I was in bed all day, recovering from the stress of the exam. I know how to make my bed appear as if I'm in it and my roommates know better than to wake me.

Andromeda will know what I need, and she will tell me what I need to do.


	6. 15

 We didn't talk too much over the next few weeks. We saw each other in class and exchanged a few meaningless sentences. She didn't go out of her way to see me, and even though I was tempted to go to the Ravenclaw common room as I had the year before, I didn't. I missed her and it got worse every day. So one day I went up to the Owlry and scribbled a few words on a scrap of parchment and sent one of the school owls to her.

_I miss you. Can we talk please?_

I didn't sign it, but I knew I didn't need to.

The next day we had Transfiguration together again, and instead of ignoring me like she had before, she wrote a note and passed it to me.

_I don't see what there is to talk about_ , it said.

I took my quill and wrote a single word underneath.

_PLEASE._

She considered this for a minute, then scribbled her answer.

_I'll be waiting for you at the Ravenclaw common room after lessons finish._

I knew it was a compromise, nodded to her and tucked the note away before McGonagall got a chance to see it and tell us off.

I spent the rest of the day reaching a decision - or, to be more accurate, coming to terms with a decision I had made weeks ago. I was nervous when I finally made my way to the Ravenclaw common room, and she was waiting, just like she had promised.

“Let's go somewhere private?”, were my first words to her. I was literally begging - I, Narcissa Black, who never begged... but she nodded and let me into the Ravenclaw common room, then to her dormitory, where she told me with a look to sit on her bed, and climbed in after me. Without

looking at me, she pulled the curtains shut and cast a Silencing Charm.

“Okay”, she said, finally looking at me. “I suppose this is private enough. What is it?”

I could tell she was hurt. I knew why. If I was a little braver...

“I want to be with you”, I blurted out. “Dromeda did it, she ran away with Ted. Maybe we'll run away too.”

Even as I said it, I knew that I would probably be too scared to go through with it. But maybe... maybe.

“Please, Emmy, let's try it”, I said. Begged, again.

She looked cautious.

“Are you going to change your mind again?”, she asked quietly.

“Probably”, I admitted. I could feel tears rising. I hadn't cried in years and years but felt far too close to it now.

She looked at me and I knew what she was thinking. She didn't want to be hurt by me and I didn't want to hurt her. She started to shake her head, but I reached over to her and cupped her chin with my hand.

“Maybe I'll be brave”, I whispered. “We'll be together and I'll realise I can't live without you and we'll run away. I'll be brave, like my sister. You'll make me brave.”

She smiled, pain in her eyes. I could tell that she was going to say yes. Forcefully, I pulled her close and kissed her hard and it was a mess of lips and teeth and muffled gasps and I'd never kissed anyone before and neither had she and it was weird but _wonderful_ , so wonderful and I pulled back and saw her eyes, glowing with happiness and took her face in my hands and kissed her again, much gentler this time and I felt her lips and it was wonderful and I didn't even think that it was wrong, because how could it be when it felt so right?

We spent ages on her bed, kissing and cuddling, hands tangled in each other's hair and closer and I was just happy and I could understand why Andromeda had run away with Ted, what I was doing was probably even worse but I wanted this, just this moment...

“Let's go to Hogsmeade together”, I mumbled after a while, “next weekend...”

She nodded and kissed me again, and we were sinking into the kiss, forgetting everything else... I don't know how much time passed but we definitely missed dinner and then it was too late for me to go back to the Slytherin common room and Emmy asked me to stay over so I didn't move and at some point we went to sleep, arms around each other, and it was the happiest I've ever been. The next morning, we went down for breakfast together and she sat down at the Ravenclaw table and I went to the Slytherin table after smiling at her one last time.

Alecto asked where I'd been and I told her I'd been studying with Emmy until it was too late for me to come back to the common room, so I'd slept over. The lie came so easily, but of course it had to remain a secret, even from Alecto, who was still my best friend. (Alecto was there a lot more this year; she still had a boyfriend, but apparently didn't need to see him all the time and seemed to care about me more now.)

I think she suspected something, even then.


	7. 18

 It's so early in the morning that the sun has barely risen. Not that you would see the sun. The sky is covered by thick dark grey clouds and it's raining heavily.

I'm running and running, I need to get off the Hogwarts grounds so I can Disapparate. Preferably in

Hogsmeade, because nobody will notice me there.

Andromeda doesn't know I'm coming. I could be abducted this second and nobody would know because nobody knows I left the castle. It's better that way, because everything is better than having my family know that I'm visiting my blood traitor sister.

I finally reach Hogsmeade and turn on the spot. I don't have a lot of practice in Apparating, but I passed my test a year ago and it's the only thing I've ever done where Emmy is worse than me. I'm proud of that. A second later, I'm standing on a dark street in front of a dark house. It's small compared to our family home or Malfoy Manor, where I'll live in two weeks' time. But it looks nice.

A glance to my watch tells me that it's almost seven o'clock, a glance to the house tells me nobody is up.

It's started raining and I can't bring myself to ring the bell and wake them, so five minutes later, I'm still standing in the rain and am starting to get soaked. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, but I can't go back now. Well, I probably could. But I want to see Andromeda, in fact, I need to see her.

So another five minutes go by and I'm actually dripping now and I just can't bring myself to raise my hand and ring the bell, because what if she doesn't like me anymore and sends me away? I can't even be sure she'll let me in, I can't even be sure she's there. But then I think of Emmy and her smile and I finally ring the bell and listen carefully for the sounds of footsteps, coming to open the door.


	8. 16

 I spent most of my energy in my fifth year not concentrating on classes, but inventing new ways of seeing Emmy in private and spending as much time as possible with her without anyone noticing. We went to Hogsmeade together and spent a good two hours climbing a tree near the Shrieking Shack and yes, _Emmy and Cissy sitting in a tree..._ it was exhilarating and a method we used whenever we were in Hogsmeade, because hardly anyone came to the Shrieking Shack anyway and it would be very hard to spot us from the ground. But there were only a few Hogsmeade weekends throughout the year and it wasn't nearly enough for us, so we tended to go to the library - behind one of the shelves is a secure spot where you can hear anyone coming a long time before they see you - or to the Owlry or on the grounds when it was cold, in any case, nobody ever saw us holding hands or kissing.

Which isn't to say that nobody noticed. The first one was Alecto, and that was just as well, because she'd done the same thing last year, so I simply told her I was seeing someone and refused to tell her who it was. After that, she and the other Slytherin girls were ablaze with speculation and soon everybody seemed to know that Narcissa Black had a boyfriend, even though I'd told Alecto not to tell anyone. I'd known that she would, and I didn't really mind - it was better, so much better than telling anyone the truth, and I knew my family didn't mind their daughters having boyfriends as long as they didn't have sex and left them in time to get married to their appointed spouse. It was supposed to teach us that love was for children and that it was much better to live with someone who was chosen for us. It didn't always work, as Andromeda had shown... and as I was, at that time, quite ready to show.

Yes, when I was sixteen, I was prepared to run away with Emmy and to spend my life with her. I had my life planned - I would not get married to Lucius, I would move somewhere far, far from our family and I would get a job, I would lead the life I wanted to lead, I would never have children because I didn't need them as long as I had Emmy...

Towards the end of our fifth year, we were running out of ideas; the library wasn't safe anymore because everyone was studying for their exams and it wasn't cold enough to go outside because the grounds were swarming with people. Of course, we were studying for our own OWLs, both together and on our own; I found that I could actually concentrate better when Emmy was there, and she wasn't a distraction at all. I felt quite well prepared by the time we had our first exam (History of Magic), but I missed her and I told her in a very low voice after the exam. So we made a plan.

 

 

It was already past midnight when I finally left the Slytherin common room. I was only wearing my underwear and a faded blue bathrobe with red and yellow flowers on it. Nobody came across me when I made my way to the prefects' bathroom, not even Filch's cat. I muttered the password and the doors slid open soundlessly, revealing a large room with an undisturbed pool. I'd used the prefects' bathroom a few times before, but I usually preferred our own showers; I had also never seen it this empty.

It wasn't completely empty, though. She was already there, sitting on the floor with a bathrobe and a towel next to her, wearing a dark swimsuit. She hadn't been in the water yet. When our eyes met, she smiled and got up.

We were kissing before either of us had the chance to say anything, and it was a desperate kiss and a hungry kiss and the most passionate kiss we'd ever shared and I just, oh, I _wanted_ her more than I had ever wanted her and I suppose every dream and desire was made huge by the fact that it was the middle of the night and we were alone and we could have hours to ourselves and it was just us and just us...

My bathrobe fell to the floor and I wasn't even aware of getting it off, my hands were all over Emmy's body and the swimsuit she wore was just annoying and I slipped my fingers underneath the strap and slid it over her shoulder and she froze.

“What are you doing”, she said, barely a whisper, hardly a question.

“What do you think I'm doing”, I replied and tugged at the strap of her swimsuit, so it slid down a little more.

“I _want_ you.”

Emmy let out a small gasp as my hand found her breast, caressing gently, and then she kissed me and moaned into my mouth and then her hands were all over me and before I knew it, my bra was lying next to my bathrobe and we were suddenly both naked and kissing and bare skin pressed against bare skin and I pulled back to look at her, at the whole naked glory that was Emmeline, and beautiful she was, slender but not too skinny, her hair falling down to her breasts and she was just so perfect.

“You're beautiful”, I breathed.

She chuckled softly and pressed a gentle kiss onto my lips. Then she turned, grinned at me over her shoulder and jumped into the water. And then laughed at my expression.

“I don't know about you, Cissy, but I came here to _swim_ ”, she said innocently.

“Tease”, I muttered and jumped in after her, showering her with sparkling drops as I clumsily made my way over to her. I'd never been a great swimmer; I could barely keep my head over the water. Fortunately, the swimming pool was shallow at one end so I could stand. I got hold if Emmy's wrist and pulled her towards me so forcefully that we both toppled over and fell into the water, and then we were kissing again and it was all Emmy and her lips and her tongue and it was _wet_ but I didn't care, the warm water surrounded us from everywhere and when we eventually had to come up for air we were both gasping and sputtering and holding on to each other for support, and the water reached my waist and we were both wet and naked but it just didn't matter and I raised my hand and gently stroked back a wet strand of Emmy's hair.

She took my hand and held on to it and looked at me and said quietly, “You look marvellous when your hair is wet. Like a mermaid - not real wizard mermaids”, she added when I started to look offended. “But mermaids from Muggle stories. My dad used to read them to me. They're supposed to be really beautiful and they live in the sea and seduce all men that come their way...”

She stepped a little closer, cupping my face in her hand.

“Or women”, she whispered, and kissed me. I closed my eyes and pulled her closer, her wet body pressing against mine, opening in to the kiss - I moaned softly and my hand slowly moved down her body, over her waist and her hips and her thighs and I could feel her hand touching me in places where nobody had ever touched me - I gasped and let my hand slip between her legs, rubbing slowly. I could tell this excited her from the way her whole body leaned in to the touch, and at the same time, she was touching me as well and I felt on fire, my body on fire, catching fire from her and our lips locked in an endless sweet kiss and desire and pleasure...

I rubbed and gasped and moaned into Emmy's mouth and _nothing_ mattered anymore except this moment, only this endless moment -

Heated pleasure flared up and we climaxed together, finally letting go of each other's lips. My hand found hers, our fingers intertwined, and slowly and carefully I opened my eyes, as if it had been a dream I was afraid to chase away.

It was no dream, though, she was still with me, her cheeks slightly flushed, her wet hair clinging to her body, my beautiful girlfriend, who now opened her eyes just as slowly as I had.

“Was that...”, she breathed, sounding dazed.

“It was _good_ ”, I whispered. My fingers were tracing her face, her cheekbone, down to her jawline, gently stroking her neck, her collarbone. She was so beautiful.

Slowly, I leaned in so my lips were almost touching her ear, and other parts of our bodies were touching too and I just couldn't get enough of the hot sweetness of her...

“I love you”, I whispered into her ear.


	9. 18

 I hear something from the house. I don't know what time it is, but it's definitely early. Too early.

Then there are steps and the door creaks open, just by an inch, and I can see eyes peering out, dark with sleep. Then they go wide with surprise, and she opens the door fully, staring at me with disbelief.

“Cis...?”

“Can I come in?”, I whisper urgently.

She steps aside wordlessly, still looking at me. I can tell she's very surprised to see me. I don't exactly know why, after all, she sent me her address and said I could come...

She seems to snap to her senses the moment I'm inside and the door closes behind me.

“Get a towel, Ted”, she says to the dark figure hovering at the end of the hall, and he turns and vanishes. “Don't want you catching a cold.”

To be honest, catching a cold is the least of my worries. I look at my sister. She looks older than the last time I saw her. A lot older. And tired.

“I've missed you”, I whisper.

“I've missed you too, Cis”, she says and holds out her arms and I sink into her embrace gratefully, hiding my face in her shoulder and fighting tears, tears that I've managed to suppress for so long and now they're coming to the surface because Andromeda is so much more of a mother than our mother ever was.

Ted brings a towel and I see him for the first time, a tall man with a good-natured smile and twinkling eyes, he's got the air of a man who used to be thin but now enjoys his wife's cooking a bit too much. I smile at him tentatively, yes, he's a Mudblood and he's the reason why Andromeda is so unbelievably absent from my life, I'm supposed to hate him more than anything but find that I can't. Maybe because he looks nice. Maybe because he's Andromeda's husband and father of her child and he's _family_ , even though I must never admit that he is.

Andromeda wraps the towel securely around my head and notices how close I am to crying. She takes my hand and leads me into the kitchen and has me sit on a chair and turns to make tea.

“Did I wake you?”, I dare to ask. My voice sounds as if it could break at the slightest touch. Which, to be honest, it probably would.

“Not to worry, dear”, Andromeda says, giving me a smile over her shoulder. “Ted needs to go to work soon anyway, and I was going to wake Nymphie up.”

“Oh, yes”, I say, a hint of a smile returning to my lips. “The kid with the impossible name. She'll thank you for that one day, Dromeda.”

My sister laughs kindly. “I knew you'd like it. Do you want to meet her?”

I have to think about that for a second, then I shake my head. “Later. I didn't just come to say hello.”

Dromeda is serious in a moment again and nods. “We can go through to the living room, if you want.” She hands me a large mug of tea - not too strong, no sugar, just a hint of milk, the way I like it - and pushed open the door that leads directly from the kitchen to the living room. Ted is sitting in a dark brown armchair that looks like it's seen better days, and he's reading the newspaper. I recognise that it's not the Daily Prophet or another Wizarding newspaper. It's a muggle newspaper. The pictures aren't even moving. I keep my face perfectly straight, even though I feel like sneering at this.

It wouldn't be polite to sneer at my sister's husband. But I feel slightly guilty about having to remind myself that actually, I don't hold any grudge against muggles or muggle-borns. I don't have time to think about it, though, because Andromeda tells Ted with a single look to leave us alone, and he folds up his newspaper, puts it on a small table, then gets up and gives Andromeda a small kiss.

“I'll see you later.” And then he's off.

They obviously love each other very much. Is it possible to live like this, having cut ties with almost every family you have, and be happy? Maybe all they need is each other, and they've got their daughter and probably new friends as well.

_I don't think I could do it_ , I think.

“Do what?”, Andromeda asks, which makes me realise I thought out loud. I look at her, undisguised pain on my face.

“Leave. Like you did. Run away and never see anyone again.”

“Well”, Andromeda says, her voice very, very gentle. “I'll admit that it isn't easy. But if I hadn't left, I would have lived under my family's - _our_ family's - oppression for the rest of my life. I would always have tried to live up to their standards. Tried and failed. At least, this way, I'm free.”

She looks at me closely. I avoid eye contact. I can feel the tears again.

“Are you thinking of running, Cis?”

Her straightforward question brings me to the edge in an instant. I lose my battle against the tears. Less than a moment later, her arms are around me again.


	10. 17

 In hindsight, I'm surprised that we managed to keep our relationship secret for so long.

It was all secret, but after a few months, we started to get bolder. In the summer holidays before our seventh year, I even managed to convince my parents to let me visit my “friend, who is better at Transfiguration than me and will help me so I can get better marks and make you proud”. They didn't seem too suspicious, after all, I'd always been quite ambitious and while they usually hired a private tutor for any difficulties I might have, they seemed to be convinced by what I told them. It wasn't a lie, strictly speaking, because I had been working with Emmy for the last six years, we got along well and I had always learned a lot from her.

But it was heaven, living with her for a week, her parents were incredibly lovely and caring and we took long walks under the sun and played a muggle sport called Badminton which was silly but a lot of fun as well, and we went shopping together and I think it was the most incredible week of my life. It was in that week that my wish to run away and lead my life with her became stronger than ever.

When we returned to Hogwarts after the summer holidays, we shared our prefect duties again and sat in a compartment together again. We were very careful not to do anything that would reveal our cautiously concealed involvement to anyone who passed our compartment, but it was enough just to sit with her and share sweets and hold her hand and breathe in the faint scent of her hair.

At Hogwarts, we continued much as we had the year before, seeking out deserted places and unlikely times and to be honest, the prefects' bathroom at midnight was one of our favourites, and it will be forever crowded with sweet memories... for me, at least.

One autumn night, we were making our way back to our dormitories after another midnight swim, hair still damp, cheeks flushed, holding on to each other's hands so tightly it almost hurt. I brought her to Ravenclaw tower, I always did that, and just before we were going to part for the night, she threw her arms around me and kissed me fiercely, and I closed my eyes blissfully, holding her -

“I KNEW IT!”

We jumped away from each other immediately, but the harm was already done. I didn't have to look for whoever had seen us. She was standing in the corridor, her face convulsed and ugly with fear and hate.

Alecto Carrow.

“Alecto -”

My voice sounded controlled, a lot more forceful than I felt. Certainly not as if my best friend had just found out about something that nobody, ever, was supposed to find out.

“Shut up”, she snapped at me. Without another word, she turned and ran.

I had a bad, bad feeling about this. I was still holding Emmy's hand. With an effort, I turned to her. My hand which was stroking back a strand of her hair was shaking.

“I'll see you tomorrow”, I whispered, left a small kiss on her lips and turned to leave.

There was no point in following Alecto. I didn't know where she was going. From her general direction, I suspected the Owlry, but even if I was right, I couldn't stop her. She had probably sent a letter to my family already.

My stomach turned at the thought. Alecto was friends with Bella. If Bella learned what Alecto had seen...

Which she probably would, whether I found Alecto or not.

So I just made my way back to the Slytherin common room. I checked if Alecto was in the dormitory (which she wasn't), and then just curled up in an armchair, waiting for her to come back.

Before long, she did. She didn't notice me at first, but when I got up quickly and blocked her way to the dormitory, she looked at me with the same mixture of hate and fear she had worn before - mingled with a little bit of triumph.

“You wrote to my sister, didn't you?”, I asked, my voice shaking. “You told Bella what you saw.”

“Get out of my way”, she snarled.

“Alecto, we're _friends_.” I wasn't pleading yet, but only just.

“I'm not friends with _animals_ ”, she spat. “You're a faggot. A slut. I don't ever want to see you again.” She roughly shoved me aside and ran up the stairs.

I stayed in the common room for the rest of the night, curled up into a ball in my armchair, crying myself to minutes of uneasy sleep before being woken up by my fears again.


	11. 18

 I cry in Andromeda's arms until no tears are left. She doesn't say anything, she simply holds me and strokes my hair and hands me tissues. Because even now, when we haven't seen each other in years, she still knows me better than anyone, and I'm still the little girl and she is my big sister.

After what feels like years, I'm finally done sobbing and sit up straight again. I must look absolutely horrifying, my hair wet from the rain and my eyes puffy and all red and not like the perfect Black daughter I'm supposed to be.

But I think I never really was the perfect Black daughter.

“I am thinking of running away”, I confess in a whisper. “But I'm so afraid, Dromeda, I'm so scared.”

Her hand is still on my back, supporting me, if only in a figurative way. She looks at me, still not speaking, urging me with a look to continue.

Just as I am about to open up and spill all of my story to her, I can hear a small cry from somewhere else in the house. “Muuuum?”

“I'm sorry, Cissy”, Andromeda says quietly as she gets up rather hastily.

Part of me hates the little girl I have never seen for interrupting this.

Only a few minutes later, my sister walks in, carrying a child of three or four. The girl's eyes are huge and bright blue, and her hair is of a shocking shade of green.

I wonder for a moment whether Andromeda is actually crazy enough to dye her daughter's hair green, but then the child picks up a small mirror that I haven't noticed before and closes her eyes for a second, a look of utmost deliberation and concentration on her face. A moment later, her hair is purple.

A Metamorphmagus.

“Nymphie”, Andromeda says and nods to me, “this is your Auntie Cissy. Cissy - my daughter Nymphadora.”

Nymphie looks at me, a look of bright curiosity in her eyes, whose colour now, as I notice, matches her hair. Her expression softens, and she frees herself from Andromeda's arms and climbs up to the sofa with me.

“Auntie Cissy”, she says softly. “Why are you crying?”

She seems every bit as empathic as Andromeda is. I try a smile - I'm not going to pour my heart out to this child, even though she's my niece. So I try to find a way to give her an answer.

“Because I'm a bad girl”, I say seriously. “And bad things happen to bad people.”

“Nonsense”, says Andromeda's voice from the kitchen. “Nymphie, come here, you need to eat.”

The girl bounces off the sofa. I can't help noticing that she almost falls and only regains her balance with difficulty. She skips to the kitchen, where Andromeda has prepared breakfast for her, leaving me alone on the sofa.

While I hear the clutter and low voices from the kitchen, I try to compose myself. It's not like me to cry in my sister's arms - in anyone's arms, in fact. I'm the controlled one, the arrogant one. I'm about to be married. I'm not a crybaby.

But I wish I could just leave my family behind.

“Cissy”, Andromeda says from the kitchen. She's holding Nymphie's hand now and looks ready to leave. “I'm taking Nymphie to kindergarten. It's not far, so I'll only be five minutes.” She's not showing it, but I know she's worried about me. “You'll be fine?”

“I'm not going anywhere”, I promise. I try a smile which actually kind of works. Nymphie is waving her small hand. “Bye, Auntie Cissy”, she says with a very cute grin. I suppose I kind of like her.

The door closes behind them, and once again, I'm left alone with my worries.


	12. 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: violence, torture.

 The owl reached me only a few hours later. I had no idea what the time was, but the sun had barely risen; it was definitely before breakfast. I recognised Bella's owl immediately and opened the small roll of parchment with shaking hands.

_Cissy, you will meet me in Hogsmeade at noon. Never mind anything else, because this is more important than anything else. Our parents don't know. If you don't come, I will tell them, and if you try to run I will track you down and kill you, along with that lovely friend of yours. Don't worry. I will find you._

I left the common room before everybody else had gotten up so I didn't have to confront Alecto - or, in fact, anyone else. I had lessons, of course, but as Bella had said - nothing was more important than this.

Emmy would of course be wondering where I was. But I knew Emmy. She would never dare ask anyone - anyone at all - about me. She probably had her own suspicions. She would wait at least a day before trying to contact me.

I hid on the grounds of Hogwarts in the morning and occasionally cast a charm to tell the time, so I wouldn't be late for my, well, appointment with my sister. It's not like I actually had a choice. I didn't doubt that she would indeed not hesitate for a second to tell our parents the whole story, or indeed kill both me and Emmeline. Which was not something I was willing to risk.

I had no idea exactly where we were supposed to meet in Hogsmeade, so I just walked along the streets at noon, trying to look like any ordinary person, trying not so show how utterly frightened I was. Only a few seconds after my wand had shown the time to be exactly twelve o'clock, I saw my older sister striding towards me on the street.

I had no idea how I was supposed to greet her, so I just inclined my head a little, standing tall and straight, not even showing my fear to her. She didn't say a single word, though her eyes were burning with anger and hate; she simply took my arm and twisted on the spot, Apparating with me to some unknown location.

To this day I have no idea where she took me. It was a far stretch of green, not a house in sight, not a human being in sight - actually, no civilisation at all in sight. Bella knew this. Because here, nobody would notice us, and nobody would hear my screams.

A necessary precaution, I suppose, as only moments after we came there, she was torturing me.

The Cruciatus Curse is difficult to describe to somebody who has never felt its effects. It's like a thousand burning hot knives stabbing you, like all your bones being broken at the same time, as if somebody was ripping the very skin from your body, making your blood boil, tearing your organs to shreds.

I'd never felt it before, and seeing others being tortured didn't really go a long way in preparing me for this.

Bella has always been a master of torture, and she only needed a few minutes to transform me from my normal, arrogant, proud self to a whimpering, sobbing, broken wreck. I was curled up on the muddy ground, gasping from the pain, my body unhurt, my resistance in pieces.

Only then, she actually talked to me. She came close to me, kicked me onto my back roughly, and towered over me, threateningly, her wand pointing to my heart or my face.

“Was she worth it, then?”, she jeered, kicking my side when I dared to close my eyes. “Your little lesbian whore, was she worth it?”

I couldn't help tears escaping my eyes, the tears of pain and humiliation and utter despair and anger at myself for being careless -

“Please”, I whimpered. “Stop, please.”

“Not until you answer my question, dear”, Bella said sweetly, dangerously. She crouched down beside me, her face inches from mine.

“Was. She. Worth. It.” She said it slowly, stressing every single word, her cold eyes boring into mine. I'd never really appreciated before how much like ice Bella's eyes looked. Ice that would never melt.

I closed my eyes again. I didn't want to answer. Bella would force me to answer, and both possible answers were... I did not want to answer.

The honest answer was yes. Yes, Emmy was worth this, even this, because I would go through hell for her, if only I could see her again. But if I told Bella this, she would kill me here and right now, or worse, she would keep me alive and make me watch while she tortured and killed those close to me, Emmy first, of course, and Emmy's family, and then probably Andromeda and her family - I could see it now, all of it, oh, how much Bella _longed_ for a reason to hunt Andromeda down -

She kicked me. She was still waiting for her answer. I gasped with pain and curled up in the mud instinctively, protecting the softer parts of my body - but I was kicked on my back again, and Bella's wand pressed into my temple.

“WAS SHE WORTH IT!”, she screamed, leaving my ears ringing and my whole body convulsing under the effect of some magic she had intentionally or unintentionally done. My eyes flew open, my vision misting over with tears and fear and whatever Bella had done to me, and I screamed right back at her, a very girlish, high-pitched scream of fear and pain and hurt and hate and anger and fear and fear and pain, so much pain, and Bella didn't seem to be startled at all, in fact, she smiled, a twisted, cruel smile, and dug her wand deeper into my temple.

“Answer me.”

“N-n-n-no”, I sobbed.

“No, you won't answer me? Or no, she wasn't worth it?”

Another kick. I felt like screaming again, but managed to suppress it with a last tiny spark of control.

“No, she wasn't - she wasn't - stop, please, _please_.”

She let go, stood up, and I could feel that she was pacing a few feet from me. Her every step seemed to shake the ground, sending jolts of tremors and shivers through the earth and thus, my body.

_Oh, Emmy, I'm so sorry._

I was such a coward, I had denied her, I had lied about my feelings for her, just to get rid of the pain and the torture. The tears that fell onto the ground weren't just tears of pain and fear anymore, they were also tears of self-disgust... The only person I really cared about. The girl I wanted to run away with.

“Why did you do it, then?”, Bella asked sharply. For a moment, I thought irrationally that she could read my thoughts - but I knew Occlumency just as well as she knew Legilimency, so that was impossible - and then I realised she was merely responding to my answer.

There was no reasonable answer to this question. This question meant more lies. But I'd started, so I could finish it. If it protected Emmy, it was worth it.

The lie came so easily that it almost frightened me.

“I was curious”, I said, as controlled as I could, through my sobs. “I was - I didn't just want to be that perfect - girl that everyone - everyone thinks I am and - and my parents expect me to be and she - and she - I knew what she was - she told me and - and I was just - it's just - it's nothing serious, Bella, just, just a phase. It's, I won't see her again. And I'm going to be married soon anyway, Bella, just, please, it's nothing serious. I just wanted to try. See what it's like. I'm, I'm sorry. I just.” I broke into sobs again, curled up and clutched my knees, and for once, Bella didn't kick me.

“Just a phase”, she repeated, her voice sounding odd. As if, as if she didn't quite believe me.

“Yes, Bella, please. Bella, please.” I didn't even know what I was asking her for. “Please.”

She was silent for a minute, considering.

“I thought you were going to blame love potions, or that she - seduced you in some way”, she said finally. Cold, controlled. As if she was still reluctant to believe me.

And I've got to admit, the thought had crossed my mind. Just blaming Emmy for everything. But that would put her into danger. It was not an option.

“You're not going to see her again”, Bella said coldly.

“Well, we've got lessons together and -”, I started to say, but fell silent after another kick in the ribs.

“You know what I mean, you filth”, Bella spat at me. I nodded, frightened. She'd never called me _filth_ before - it was an expression usually reserved for Mudbloods and blood traitors, but apparently kissing a girl had made me just as bad as these.

“You won't see her again?”, Bella asked, but I knew it was more of a command. “It was - just a _phase_? You're not -” She bent down again, looking at me with those icy eyes. “ - saying this to _protect_ her?”

I was, of course I was, but she could never know that.

“She doesn't mean anything to me”, I whispered, tears lining my face, hating myself for the biggest lie I ever told, yet hoping, frantically hoping that Bella would believe me, because if she didn't, Emmy would be dead and, most likely, so would I.

“I'm marrying Lucius, Bella”, I said with a little more strength. “Please. Bella, please.”

“Fine”, she said grimly. “Alecto will be watching you. You can't afford to step out of line again, do you understand? Our parents don't need to know about this. Just make sure it never happens again.”

For a tiny, tiny moment, I thought her eyes looked a bit more human, a bit more gentle, maybe even sorry. But that moment passed as quickly as it had come, and before I knew it, I was alone.

Bella had Disapparated, leaving me lying in the mud, miserable and with absolutely no idea what to do.


	13. 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: self-harm.

 It took a while until I was able to move again. It wasn't the pain that held me in place; the pain was actually starting to fade just moments after Bella left, and it made me realise that, apart from a few bruises and scratches, I was unhurt. The desperation I felt was a lot worse than the pain; it kept me lying in the mud, silently crying my fear and self-hate to nobody at all, because nobody was there to see it.

Moments after the pain left me, I already wished for it to come back. It distracted me from thinking and numbed the other, worse, things I felt. Now the pain was gone and all that was left was my self-hate and despair. I must have been there at least an hour before I tried to move and sit up. My clothes were ruined and mud was dropping from my hair. It was raining again, but none of that seemed to matter. I tried to think, to consider what I was going to do now.

I could go back to Hogwarts. I could face the rumours that Alecto had doubtlessly spread, I could face the shame of never being able to look at any of my friends again. I could return to Hogwarts and never speak to Emmeline again.

The prospect of that seemed so cruel and unfair that it threw me into another fit of crying. It was the last thing I wanted to do, but it was also the only option that would protect me (and Emmy) from Bella's fury.

I could run away. The idea was so tempting - to send an owl to Emmy and tell her to meet me at night, then run away and lead lives as outcasts, just her and me. But I knew that it was impossible. Emmy would never leave her life behind just like that, and even if we did escape, chances were that Bella would find us - which was not something I was willing to risk. No, I had to keep Emmy safe.

I could run away alone, but that would still put Emmy in danger. Besides, I wanted her close to me.

I could go home without finishing school and hide in my room until my parents ordered me to get married. But both my pride and my desire to keep Emmy close to me forbade this option. I was doing my NEWTs this year, I was determined to do well - I would finish this.

So that left going back to Hogwarts.

 

 

I stayed in the Three Broomsticks for the night. This gave me the chance to make myself look presentable again, as well as think about what I was going to do. There was no way I could just totally avoid Emmeline from now on, we were far too close for that and it would feel cowardly to do it just because Bella had threatened me. I didn't doubt for a second that she would actually carry out her threats - I still don't - but something kept me defiant. A little bit of the girl who had once wanted to run away with Emmy still remained.

I would find a way, somehow, to speak to Emmy in private, tell her what had happened. There had to be a way. Alecto would be watching me, but I could probably bribe her boyfriend to keep her away from me for a while. Maybe I wouldn't have to.

I returned to Hogwarts with my resolve strengthened. It was early in the morning, just before breakfast, and Alecto was up, just as I had expected.

“So you came back”, she said, not at all surprised that I had been missing for a day. Bella had probably already owled her and told her what had happened. I found myself hating Alecto for that.

“So you're talking to me again”, I said coldly. Alecto was the reason why all of this had happened and my feelings towards her weren't too friendly at that moment. If she had just kept it to herself, if she hadn't just been filled with hate - if she wasn't supporting all this stupid pureblood hate mania that I had started to despise in my own family, none of this would have happened.

Alecto didn't answer right away. Something in her face softened a little bit. I don't think she ever really hated me, she was simply shocked at that moment, and being bossed around by my big sister was never fun...

“She tortured you, didn't she”, she whispered.

“I don't see how that's any of your business”, I answered loudly, almost yelling. “If I remember correctly, you _don't talk to animals_.”

“Cissy...”

“I don't want to hear it”, I said icily and turned away from her.

The idea of breakfast made me feel sick. I would see Emmy. Emmy would ask me what happened. I would have to explain that I couldn't see her anymore, for both our sakes. I would have to face the rumours that would inevitably have spread among the Slytherin table. I would have to talk to people and pretend that everything was all right when in reality, everything about me was shattered.

I would have to go to class. I remembered that I had Charms, with Emmy, and while that would usually have brightened my day considerably, right now it only made me feel anxious and scared. Alecto would be there and she would be watching us closely.

It occurred to me for the first time that I could maybe talk to Alecto, try to make her understand, maybe manipulate her into not telling Bella anything. But I saw the flaw in my logic at once. First, Bella was far too scary for Alecto to lie to her. And second, it would be suspicious if Alecto didn't tell her anything. Also, Alecto still wasn't over the fact that I was seeing a girl - I could see it in her eyes. She regretted ratting us out to Bella, yes, but that didn't mean she didn't think it was any less disgusting.

I didn't go to breakfast, but I couldn't avoid going to class. In Charms, I kept my head down, tried my best to ignore the whispers of the other students and avoided every one of Emmy's attempt to talk to me. When I finally felt brave enough to make eye contact with her, her expression shattered my heart. I couldn't bring myself to say anything. I just shook my head slightly, gulping down tears.

We were mostly learning about theory today, so a lot of writing was involved. As Emmy was sitting next to me, I wasn't too surprised when I got a tiny scrap of paper with her handwriting on it. _You look like we need to talk_ , it said. _Owlry at midnight_?

I hesitated before writing my response. _Not sure I can get away. She'll be watching._

I could see her nod quickly as she read my note. _I'll wait._

And wait she did. That night, I couldn't go, but the next night was better - Alecto had managed to get hold of a few bottles of firewhiskey and I'd managed to encourage her subtly to finish at least two of them of her own. We'd talked, very carefully avoided the subject of Emmeline and Bella, but after her third glass of firewhiskey, she'd asked me in a slurry voice if we could be friends again. I said yes, of course, even though I still hated her for what she did; I might need her on my side. I'd had a few sips and was slightly tipsy, but nowhere near as drunk as Alecto when she passed out - there was no chance in hell she would be waking up tonight and notice me gone.

I slipped out a few minutes before midnight. Emmy was already waiting. She was leaning against the northern wall and practically threw herself into my arms when she noticed me.

I melted into her embrace and could feel the tears rising up. The urge to run away with her got stronger than ever. To think I should give this up - give her up - was just too horrible to comprehend, and for a second, the consequences seemed acceptable.

Then I remembered Andromeda, and Emmy, and everyone who would suffer and die if I actually did run away. I buried my hands in Emmy's robe and sobbed into her shoulder as the hopelessness of my situation came crashing down on me, amplified by the firewhiskey.

“Oh God, Cissy. Oh, Cissy”, she whispered. Her hands were all over me, stroking my hair, caressing my back. She didn't ask what was wrong. She didn't have to. I suppose that after I missed a whole day of school, and not even looked at her when I came back, she would have made her own deductions.

We found ourselves sitting on the dirty ground, leaning against the cold stone wall, and I just held on to her for dear life and cried harder than I had ever cried in my life. Emmy just held me, held me close to her and God, I had absolutely no idea how I could ever live without her.

After a while, I calmed down enough to speak.

“She wrote to Bella.”

“I figured”, Emmy said dryly.

I shuddered slightly and her hand, still rubbing my back, stilled. She touched my cheek and gently lifted my head up, so I could face her.

“She tortured you, didn't she”, she breathed. It wasn't a question.

I didn't have heart to tell her a lie, even though I knew I should have to reassure her. But Bella _had_ tortured me - there was no way of sugarcoating it. I closed my eyes, tears streaming down my face, and gave a sharp, quick nod.

She pulled me into a hug, kissed the top of my head and just held me as I dissolved into tears once again.

“What are we going to do?”, she whispered.

“I don't know”, I sobbed into her robe. “I don't know.”

We sat in silence for a while, just holding on to each other. She was crying as well now, I could tell from the way her silent sobs rocked her body.

“You know”, she said quietly, eventually, “if you asked me to run away with you... I would.”

I looked up and stared at her for a moment.

“No”, I said. “No, Emmy. We can't. Bella - she would find and kill everyone dear to us and she would torture you and make me watch - she said so, Emmy, we can't.”

She sniffed softly and I touched my forehead to hers, burying my hands in her hair as I gathered courage for the inevitable, horrible thing I had to say next.

“We can't see each other anymore, Em.”

She closed her eyes and tears spilled over her cheeks. I raised my thumb to rub over them gently. I didn't want to make her cry. This was the hardest thing I'd ever done - pushing her away to save her, and myself.

“I thought...” Her voice was thick with tears. “You said - you said you'd be strong, you said you'd be brave. For - for me.”

“I'm so sorry, Emmy, I can't. I can't. I'm sorry”, I whispered. I pulled her closer and kissed her, tasting the salt of her tears and mine, and she kissed me back frantically for a moment before pulling away abruptly.

I knew I couldn't hold her back, so I just watched her as she got up and left the Owlry, crying harder than I'd ever see her cry.

 

 

Over the next weeks, we didn't talk other than in classes. I faced down the rumours among the Slytherins, a little surprised at how mild they were - apparently Alecto had decided not to tell everything. I rekindled my friendship with her (even though we never really talked about the huge hate-filled space between us) and managed to convince her that I wasn't seeing Emmy anymore. I could tell that she still had doubts and she continued to watch me very, very carefully, but there was nothing for her to discover, because I really wasn't seeing Emmy anymore - not openly and not secretly.

I missed her so much it hurt and at times I felt like anything would be better than this. More than once, I was so close to going to Emmy and telling her that I would run away with her, that I didn't care about the consequences and that I would gladly die if only I could be with her longer... but then a cold fear gripped me every time, and I heard Bella's laugh and saw her cruel eyes and imagined her torturing Andromeda and Emmy and Emmy's and Dromeda's families and making me watch all of it before finally torturing and killing me... and I couldn't. I just couldn't.

The whole year of school was the worst time of my life. I was depressive, couldn't concentrate on anything. My grades dropped. At some point, I started hurting myself just to get rid of the pain. It sounds ridiculous when you say it, but that's exactly what it was like. I barely ate and couldn't sleep at night.

And the worst was, I needed to hide how horrible I felt from Alecto, because if Bella had caught wind of how distressed I was by this breakup, she would suspect that I had lied to keep Emmy safe.

I've always been good at maintaining a facade, but it became hard to bear, especially since I had nobody to talk to.

After a while, I was practically a ghost, a shadow of my former self, someone who still studied for school and talked to her friends but someone who rarely smiled or even laughed. I buried my feelings for Emmy deep inside me, so deep that sometimes I forgot they were there. At times, I almost believed that this was who I was: cold, distant, efficient. Alecto never asked a single question.

I still saw Emmy in class almost every day, but we never exchanged more words than was absolutely necessary. I could tell that she felt just as horrible as I was. We just weren't meant to be apart.

There is only one time I remember, just once, weeks or months after that night in the Owlry. It was the middle of the night and I couldn't sleep. I couldn't toss and turn because I couldn't risk waking Alecto - I had long since learned to lie still, even when every single cell of my body screamed with restlessness. Sometimes I just closed my eyes and wished myself into a world where Emmy and I could live in peace. I dreamed about the things we would do together in such a perfect world, and though these dreams were always painful, they managed to keep me distracted and sometimes they even helped me sleep.

But not that night. That night, I could do what I wanted and would not sleep. After a while, I got up silently and left the dormitory - at that moment, I didn't give a damn about Aleco waking up, because I was allowed to have a few minutes to myself and I couldn't sleep and why shouldn't I be walking around the castle? The corridors were deserted, and even though I came across some ghosts, none of them seemed keen to talk to me.

I just wandered around aimlessly, finding myself getting dangerously close to the Ravenclaw common room. As soon as I noticed that, I turned around and slipped into the nearest toilet.

I had brought my knife with me and took it out of my pocked now. My arm was already covered in wounds and scars - a few more wouldn't make a difference. I ran the blade over my arm sharply, gasping as the pain shot through me and blood oozed out of the cut.

The pain managed to chase away all other thoughts for a moment and I deeply enjoyed the blissful feeling, drank it in until it started to fade - and then cut myself again, revelled in the pain, and again, and again, until I heard a sharp gasp coming from somewhere on my right.

I opened my eyes slowly, and there she was, Emmeline, my lovely, lovely Emmeline, and the sight of her was more painful than any physical wound would ever be. I dropped the knife and it clattered to the floor with an unnaturally loud noise; the world seemed to shrink and I realised that Emmy had just seen me hurting myself, something she should never have seen, something nobody should ever have seen -

In an instant she was by my side, cradling my arm in her soft, warm hands. Her eyes were full of tears and she seemed unable to say a word. She brought out her wand. In a flash, I remembered that she wanted to be a healer and that she would spend hours in the library, studying the human body and spells and incantations to heal - she whispered something under her breath and the burning skin on my arm started to cool, started to seal itself, and one by one, all my wounds closed until even the scars were all but invisible. I just watched her, watched her beautiful, beautiful face as she frowned in concentration and healed me, and I knew that she was always going to be the only person who could heal me.

When she was finished, she looked at me with huge eyes. I stared back. We were both crying.

Then she leaned forward and kissed me so, so sweetly, and I knew that her promise - that she would run away with me - was still just as strong as before.

All I really needed to do was ask.

I didn't, but after that night, I didn't cut myself again.

 

 

As the months passed, I realised I needed someone to talk to, and made the decision to find my sister Andromeda.


	14. 18

 Andromeda is back a few minutes later, just as she's promised. I've tried to calm myself down and it's worked. At least, to the extend that I'm not a sobbing wreck anymore.

She closes the door behind her and is by my side in seconds. She pulls me into her arms and I bury my face in her woolen jumper.

“So, what's going on?”, she asks softly.

I look up and fight back tears.

“I fell in love”, I mutter almost inaudibly.

She doesn't reply, just looks at me, encouraging me to continue.

“And - and I'm getting married in two weeks. I don't want to, Dromeda, I don't want to marry Lucius.”

“Sounds familiar”, she offers when I don't say anything else. “And you want me to tell you what it's like - running away to live the life you want to live?”

I nod.

“Well, it definitely isn't easy”, she says. “Ted and I had to move around a little bit until we were safe and Nymphadora hasn't made anything easier. But at least I can live my life the way I want to live it. I haven't regretted it at all. Sure, you have to be careful, but when don't you?” She leans over a little bit and pushes a strand of my hair back behind my ears. It reminds me of how Emmy used to do that.

“So who is he? The boy you fell in love with?”

I shake my head and whisper, “Not a boy.”

“Oh.” She looks at me strangely for a moment, then pulls me in and hugs me tightly to her chest. “Oh, Cissy. Always doing things the easy way, every time except for once, huh? God, dear. Poor you. Poor, poor you.” She strokes my head and I close my eyes, feeling safe, feeling at home. Andromeda doesn't judge me, she simply sees the difficulties of my situation and holds me. It seems like this is all I need.

I sit up straight again and she releases me from her arms. I shoot a glance at her. She looks concerned.

“She's my best friend”, I say quietly, because it's true. Emmeline has always been a better friend to me than Alecto ever was. “She's in Ravenclaw, she's half-blood. She's really clever, we used to do all our homework together. She came out to me in fourth year and we got together in fifth year.” I take a deep breath. “I love her, Andromeda. I don't know how I can live without her.”

She nods. She knows what love will do to a person.

“But you're not sure if running away with her is the best thing to do”, she remarks. It's not a question. “Why?”

I take another deep breath.

“Bella found out.”

“Oh.” Andromeda's whole face drops. In a second, she seems to have aged ten years. “Oh, shit.”

“Yes”, I say flatly.

Andromeda considers this for a second. Then she asks, “Do you want to run away with her?”

“Yes. I do.” I look at my sister pleadingly. “More than anything. But Bella would find me, and she would find you too - I saw her, I could tell, she wants an excuse to hunt you down, you and your family... and she would make me watch while she tortured and killed you and Emmy and both your families and...” It's the first time I've said that out loud and it makes me cry again in an instant.

She runs a hand over my back and hands me a tissue. While I mop my eyes, she says, “Well, I'm sure Ted and I can defend ourselves. I don't know your... girlfriend, obviously, but she seems to be capable. If it would make you happy then I am more than willing to take that risk, Cis.”

It sounds so easy when she says it. Andromeda knows what Bella is capable of, and she's not afraid. Then why am I?

“The Sorting Hat said I could have gone to Gryffindor”, I blurt out without thinking. I've never told anyone this before. “But I don't think so. I'm a coward, Dromeda. If I was brave, I would take Emmy and run away with her. Damn, she _said_ she'd run away with me. But I'm just too scared to do it, Dromeda, I can't risk her life. Or yours. You're the only two people I love and trust and I can't lose you.”

I don't know what goes through Andromeda's head at that, but she is definitely thinking something. A few times, she opens her mouth as if she wants to say something, and then doesn't. She just rubs my back, and holds my hand.

“Did you come here for advice?”, she finally asks.

I try to remember.

“I thought I came here for advice”, I say. “But I think I just needed someone to talk to. Someone who I could actually tell all of this. I don't have friends, Dromeda. The friends I had are spreading rumours about me and would betray my to Bellatrix in a second. I can't talk to Emmy without raising suspicion. And I really, really wanted to see you again.”

She smiles sadly. “I'm sorry, dear. I wish we could see each other more often.”

I know that if I do run away, I will see Andromeda more often. The thought is nice. But I only have to think of the consequences - an image of little Nymphie being tortured comes to my mind, frightening in its clarity and cruelty - and I know that I can't.

“I thought I came here for advice”, I say. My voice sounds a little steadier now. “But I don't really need it, because I've already made up my mind. I know what I'm going to do. It's not what I want to do.” I take a deep, calming breath and add, my eyes swimming with tears. “But what I need to do.”

 

 

She shows me out and gives me a firm hug.

“I'll miss you, Cis”, she says. “I know you won't be able to write or visit. Just... all the best. You'll be fine.”

I know I won't, but I don't say it. It doesn't need saying.

“Andromeda”, I urged her quietly just before I left. “No matter what you hear about me, please remember. I love you. I always will.”

She looks at me out of sad, sad eyes and I get the funny feeling that she knows my future better than I do.


	15. 18

 The day after I visit Andromeda, I start wearing the engagement ring Lucius gave me months ago. Pureblood daughters are usually expected to wear their engagement rings for months before their wedding, but nobody has asked me about it - except Lucius, only once. I told him I didn't like jewellery very much and that was that. At the time, not wearing the ring was my silent proclamation to the world (and to myself) that I hadn't made my choice yet.

How self-deluded I was - as if there has ever been a choice to make.

I start wearing the ring as a direct result of my conversation with my oldest sister. I only regret it once - the first time Emmy sees the ring. I told her, of course, about the customs and she knows me well enough to know what it means. I can see it in her eyes as she looks at my hand, the ring, then at my face, only barely managing to conceal the heartbreak on her face. She still has hoped, until this moment, that I might find strength and come back to her. The ring is an obvious sign that there is no turning back now, that we are apart forever.

I hate breaking her heart like that; I hate that I have to do this to her. I sometimes wish it could be different. I sometimes think I'm making a mistake in marrying Lucius.

But I know it's the right thing to do. Some mistakes aren't wrong.

 

 

The rest of the school year passes fast; a lot faster than I would like it to - even though I've made my choice, I still don't feel ready to get married quite yet. Married is something that comes with growing up, and I don't feel grown up. But it's not like I have a choice.

I don't really talk to Emmy again. At all. I try to get acquainted with Lucius, I spend time with him, I try to get used to the company of my future husband. He's a nice guy, but he doesn't have Emmy's sharp intelligence. He doesn't question things like she does. I will have to act out my whole life for his benefit because he is not at all a person I can be myself with.

I miss Emmy so much it hurts. But by now, I'm used to the pain.

The last day of school is a day of celebration and tears for most of the students, but for me, it's only tears, because school was the place where I could be with Emmy, where I could be myself, where I could be free from my family's values and racist views - if only for a little while. Now that it's over, nothing will protect me. Now that it's over, I have no chance at all at fixing things between me and Emmy. Even if I wanted to (and deep down in my heart I do, I really really do), I couldn't change things now.

So I cry on the last day of school and tell nobody the reason why.

 

 

My things are packed long before everyone else's, so I go on a walk around the castle and the grounds. It's a dull, grey day. It looks like there might be rain later, and there's hardly anyone outside.

But Emmy is. She's leaning against a tree by the lake, staring into nothingness.

For a moment, I simply watch her. I can't tell if she's crying or not. Simply seeing her again almost makes me cry again as well.

I slowly come closer. Silently I sit down on the grass next to her and take her hand.

She looks at me oddly. I can't really read her expression, but I know how hard it must be for her.

“I...” I swallow. “I just - we're probably never going to see each other again.”

For a moment, she doesn't react, then she nods. Her face is carefully blank.

“I'm so sorry, Emmy. For everything. I'm so sorry.”

I can't help the tears, but I have to do this. It's the last chance for me to tell her all the things I never said.

“I - I wish things would be different and I know they should be and I could change them - but you know I can't, I just can't but - but I really, really need you to know that it's not your fault, none of it, and I just want to protect you and the best way I can do that is by not being with you... I'm so sorry.”

Her hand gently squeezes mine and I can see tears in her eyes as well.

“You're the only thing I care about, Emmy”, I whisper. “I love you. I love you. I always will. I'll always think of you.”

She nods and raises her hand to pull me towards her. Then she's kissing me fiercely, our tears and pain mixing and hands clutching at each other - I never want to let her go, ever, because I know that I won't see her again after this.

She pulls away after a while. Her hand lingers on my cheek.

“There's an organisation”, she says quietly, finally. Her voice sounds so small from the tears.

“You might have heard of it. They defend themselves against - you know who - and they need help from people who know what they're doing. I'm going to join them, Cissy.” She takes a deep breath and holds my gaze steadily.

“I'm going to join them and fight. Because you know that I think what the Death Eaters are doing is wrong. And they - they can protect me. They could protect you too, Cissy. If you would come with me, they would protect us and we would fight for what we both know is right.”

She looks at me, a pleading look entering her eyes.

“Cissy, _please_. Come with me. You'll be fine, we'll be together. I can't bear the thought of never seeing you again. Please, Cissy. Please.”

I pull away slightly. Tears are falling from my eyes as I shake my head slowly.

“I'm sorry”, I say softly. “I can't fight my family. I won't fight you and I can't fight them. I'm not a fighter, Emmy. I'm sorry.”

She looks at me, and nods, and pulls me into a hug. I breathe in the scent of her hair for the last time. I look at her, I kiss away the tears from her face and wish things were easier.

I release her and stand up.

“Be safe, Emmy. Please.”

Our eyes lock for a moment, for the last time, and then I turn around and walk away. I don't look back, but every step further away from her hurts.

 

 

On the Hogwarts Express, I'm in a compartment with Alecto. I'm scared and I don't really say anything at all.

Just like the first time I was on that train, I don't really know what to expect from the things that are to come. But now, at least, I know what I have to do.


	16. Epilogue

** 35 **

 

The war breaks hearts, kills hope, and tears families apart; in the end, neither side wins, and everybody loses.

And the world keeps spinning on as if nothing has happened.

Three weeks ago, Lucius got arrested, as well as about ten other Death Eaters, some of them my friends. Everyone who was at the Ministry that night got arrested - everyone except Bella and the Dark Lord himself.

I wasn't there. I don't fight. I never fight; I stay at home and pick up the pieces.

But I'm not sure I can pick up the pieces this time.

Only two days after Lucius got arrested, the Dark Lord came to Malfoy Manor. He brought Bella with him; she's been living here ever since she broke out of Azkaban and will probably live here until she dies - I'm not really in a position to argue or throw her out, though I'm not particularly fond of having her here. If Bella was cruel and sadistic before she went to Azkaban - well, to put it mildly, she's worse now than she ever was, and Azkaban added a good portion of madness to her as well. She was scary when she was a girl. Now she's nothing short of terrifying.

The Dark Lord said he was very displeased with Lucius's actions in the Ministry - something about a prophecy and the Potter boy - and then requested, no, demanded to speak with Draco in private.

Draco is sixteen years old now. He's the only thing that's kept me going. When I found out I was pregnant only weeks after the wedding, I was terrified. I didn't feel like I could handle being a mother - but when he lay in my arms, my beautiful little baby boy, I wasn't scared anymore.

I haven't been scared since. I love Draco with all my heart. To lose him, just like I lost everyone else I loved, would be the most painful thing I can imagine - I would do anything for him. Anything at all.

So my horror was imaginable when the Dark Lord spoke to Draco. Draco came out of that audience white as a sheet and with a look of terror on his face that should never, ever be in a sixteen-year-old's eyes. Especially not my Draco's eyes.

It took some time for him to tell me what the Dark Lord wanted from him, but eventually, he told me. He had been given a quest, an assignment. My Draco is to kill the Dark Lord's biggest enemy - Albus Dumbledore, his headmaster, who was my headmaster and Lucius's headmaster and who has been headmaster for as long as anyone I know can remember.

I know that Draco has never killed anyone in his life. I'm sure he couldn't. I have never killed anyone, and Lucius hasn't. I know Bella has, but Draco never knew her until she broke out of Azkaban a few months ago - before that, he only knew her in stories that I told and he couldn't have learned something like that from her.

Yet the Dark Lord expects him to kill one of the greatest wizards who ever lived.

I don't know what to do because I know this is the Dark Lord's punishment for whatever it was Lucius did wrong. That my family, my son has to suffer for something his father did.

I also know that Draco would probably die if he really attempted to kill Dumbledore, and that he would surely be killed if he refused to do so.

It seems hopeless.

 

 

It's early in the morning. Draco isn't up yet and neither is Bella. I'm in the kitchen, making some breakfast for myself, as the owl carrying the _Daily Prophet_ arrives.

I sit down with my tea and toast and open the newspaper.

The front page is still the same old stuff. _You-Know-Who returns_ ... _Harry Potter: The Chosen One?_ ... An article about a bridge in Muggle London being destroyed - I'm pretty sure Bella was involved in that - and one about the murder of Amelia Bones. It's only when I go to the next page that her face stares at me from the newspaper.

It's not Amelia Bones. It's a different woman who was killed yesterday.

_Emmeline Vance found murdered in Westminster_

Her face stares at me, older than I remember it, but still with the same kind eyes and the details I forgot over time. Her lovely snub nose and the way her cheekbones curved in underneath her eyes. Her smile. She smiles on the black and white photograph, and she moves as if she's breathing, her hair a little disturbed as if she's just been outside.

She looks sad.

It takes a few moments to sink in that she's dead, that she's been killed by the Death Eaters - Bella was probably involved in this one as well. If she didn't initiate it in the first place.

I feel disconnected from my emotions. I feel cold even though it's summer and the manor is well heated and I've got a steaming mug of tea sitting next to me.

I haven't cried in years - not since Draco was born; in the first months of my marriage I still cried almost every day and couldn't always hide it from Lucius. Lucius is the only person who knows that I had a lover at school. He knows the stories from Bella and he has never given me away.

He knows I loved her and he has protected me from Bella's fury, because even though all of that happened years ago, she would still kill me if she knew.

I suppose I do love Lucius, in a way. Not the way I loved Emmeline; I don't think I could ever love anyone like that. But Lucius has my respect and I care for him. He's my best friend. We don't keep things from each other unless it's absolutely necessary. We protect each other. We both love Draco.

I suppose our marriage is a lot better than it could have been; it's a lot more than I deserve.

_Emmeline Vance found murdered._

I hope she had a happy life. I don't want to read the article, I don't want to know if she ever married and had children or if she lived on her own, a fighter, just a fighter - devoting her life to fighting my family and friends. I don't want to know.

I can feel it, the emotion, softly bubbling under the surface - if I let it touch me, it will be unbearable. I have more important things to worry about than the death of...

The death of one of the three people I've only ever really loved.

The door creaks open and Bella saunters into the room. She's remarkably bad company at the moment; there's really nobody I want to see less at the moment, with the possible exception of the Dark Lord himself.

She glances at me, then at the _Prophet_ , at the picture of Emmeline and the headline.

“You've seen, then”, she says mercilessly. “I wanted to tell you myself, but apparently there's no need for that anymore. Your little whore's dead, Cissy.”

Hearing her say it in that way, choosing those particular words, brings the pain dangerously close to the surface.

I look up with a vaguely amused look on my face. (I've gotten really, really good at pretending again since Bella got out of prison.)

“I was wondering if you were involved in that”, I say lightly.

“Oh, I made sure of it. My little sister's whore. How could I resist?” She cackles and I damn her to the deepest pit of hell, if such a thing exists. I really need a moment to myself.

“Don't tell me you actually _cared_ for her.”

I huff.

“Of course not.”

A lie told so many times that I was starting to believe it myself.

 

 

I'm in my room later. Well, technically, it's mine and Lucius's room, but since he's not there... it gets lonely without him, but right now, I'm glad he's not here.

I don't shed a single tear. I only sit on my bed - our bed - and lean back and think. Think harder, quite possibly, than I've thought in the last sixteen years.

Emmeline is dead. There's no chance I'm to blame for that, yet I still find ways to blame myself. What if I had run away with her? What if I had taken that last offer she made, of joining the Order, of fighting with her and for her? Would I have been able to protect her?

The answer is probably no. Chances are Bella would have found us a lot sooner and we would both be long dead.

But maybe, just maybe, we would have hidden better and survived, and I would indeed have saved her.

I couldn't save Emmy and it's far too late for regrets now. There's nothing about Emmy I can do now. Maybe, once this war is over, if I live to see the end of it, I will visit her grave. Tell her, once again, how sorry I am.

There is something else I can do, though, and it takes an embarrassingly long time for me to realise that.

I couldn't save Emmy, but there is someone who I love who I haven't lost yet, and who I can still save, or at least die trying.

Draco.

And God knows I will move heaven and earth to protect my baby boy, because he is so, so worth it.

 

 

Bella catches me as I get my cloak, a few hours later. I have a plan and Bella does very much _not_ feature in it.

She knows about Draco's task, of course. She can imagine what I'm going to do, and she tries to hold me back. I have to swat her away like an annoying fly to get my cloak on.

“Bella, stop it”, I snap at her. I haven't snapped at my sister in years, and it's only the decision I've just reached that gives me the strength to openly defy her. “I'm leaving, and I'm leaving now, and there's nothing you can do.”

“But Cissy, you can't just -”

“You don't have children, Bella”, I say coldly.

“You don't understand.”

A moment later, I've disapparated. She follows me all the way to the little house on the end of the street. I still try to keep her away, to get her to go back, but she's just as stubborn as me.

I really, really hate her.

Eventually, I give up trying to shake her off and knock on the door. It opens moments later and in the dim light, I can see the face of the only person who can help me right now.

“Severus”, I say quietly. “May I speak to you? It's urgent.”


End file.
